i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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