VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
