we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize