When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
