There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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