CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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