i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
