haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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