I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
