You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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