Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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