I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
