i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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