if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
