rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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