I intend to get homeless drunk
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm getting married
To pizza
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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