If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
