He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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