we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
