My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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