I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
