so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
