Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
