if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My sheets look like a crime scene.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
