While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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