This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
