So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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