I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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