Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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