i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
