Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
