at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
