So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
