Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think my moral compass just broke
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