So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
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