I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
