i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize