Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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