Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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