Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
