So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The feeling are messing with the penis
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
