apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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