You can't motorboat a personality
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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