mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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