I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
