ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
