he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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