R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
