random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
