guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
