It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
