and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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