my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
