Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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