Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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