you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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