Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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