Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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