Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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